If Only I Was the One you loved...

hey ppl... hope u guyz are all fine. hmmz, i did attend tharshan's birthday party on sun in the end! it was quite fun, although i couldn't eat most of the food(including the choco cake tat was soo tempting!!) cos mostly non-veg... sigh.. hey, but guess wat? i actually participated in the karaoke! hahaz! not bad for someone who would even think twice to speak in front of ppl.. but at least i got positive remarks, so i didn't feel too bad.
i was speaking to someone on the phone today morning. well, didn't hear from the person for 2 days in a row. it's hard when someone just refuses to accept that he/she has changed or is behaving unusually. the conversation drew to a stand still in no time, not taking into consideration the many disruptions. after some thoughts were exchanged, i was brought down, literally down. how could u say i was distancing myself away from u? it just striked me tat u were trying to keep away from me. i just didn't expect you to say ur close friends took rights over u & i didn't. so only those who take control over u r considered ur close ones huh? which literally means, u haven't even considered me as a close friend in the 1st place! yeah right, just because i placed u in a place up high, i can't expect u to do the same. just hope u wouldn't tell me one day tat u didn't even consider me as a casual friend. u noe, ppl are capable of anything. it's just soo hurting, my heart's aching. you refuse to voice any discontent u have, then what am i expected to do? from the way u spoke, i know you wouldn't even bother if i didn't call/messaged u. you may even be jumping for joy. you've got many "close friends" to keep u occupied, or maybe because, i just haven't meant anything to u. oh ya, maybe an irritating/boring ass who gets on ur nerves all the time. tat's wat i am to u. haha! gosh, i'm in such a state where i can laugh at my own stupidity & ill luck. how pathetic... but i ain't an ass who would wallow in self pity. i'm always drowning in my tears, nothing new to me. too bad my luck is such, having to go through hell, loving those who hate me, doubting those who sincerely do love me. no use swearing at god too. guess it's gud old fate doing it's job.
as i wrote to you before, i wish, i wish, i wish....... tat i was the one u loved. but i guess for me, wishes & dreams remain as they are. they'll never be a reality for me to embrace.

hey ppl... how have u guyz been doing? well, i've had stuff which did keep me occupied... let's see, went for lunch wif wan yee to billy bombers last week.(the cookies & cream shake was heavenly!) oh yes, thanx to wan yee, i had an mp3 player too. then it was starbucks for coffee with cam & hidayah abt 2 days back... was really nice to meet up wif them. went to toys r us to look for presents for my cousin. but ended up buying huge roses for sis! anyway, just glad they still do remember me. it feels gud when ur company is enjoyed u noe? hahaz! we did take neo prints(i wasn't interested of course, but was forced to by cam). she sure is one persistent lady! just wonder y i find it soo weird to take pics. muz be some defects in the genes yeah... great, i've started my crap!!! it's tharshan's birthdae this sunday. was invited thrice! daddy also asked if i would skip my lesson & attend the party. hmmz, y is my presence suddenly appreciated so much? maybe because they know i'll splurge on presents even if i dun like them? it has got to be it, cos invitations to almost anything these days, comes wif expectations & stuff... well, i may go, so as to not deprive the kid of an extra parcel to open. but on second thoughts, dun see the need to, especially at the expense of a lesson... well, it definitely depends on my mood. only on sunday will i know wat state of mind am i in... but then again, i was personally invited. just look at the mess pll like to get u in. fancy having to do something against ur interest and liking... it would seem an obvious snub if i refuse to attend. it just also dosen't help tat i've got a reputation for being..... (ok, let's face it) arrogant & ignorant at times. i do show my disdain openly too. i'm definitely not the typical ass who belives in hypocrism. i wasn't brought up tat way. yes, some in my immediate family just make perfect hypocrites, but i've learnt to be unlike them. definitely something to be proud of... hahaz.. k ppl, i'll stop here for now. will continue soon... take care!

hi ppl... hope all of u r fine. well, i said on my very 1st post itself that i'm gonna be using this as a means to vent my anger & frustrations. i also did mention that i would be as indirect where possible. but if u r too intelligent & can always find out who or what i'm referring to, then i guess it's just an added advantage for u. but if u r gonna take tat as a means for u to question me, then i'm terribly sorry. i dun see the need to explain myself. i do have my own personal comments at times, & it's not a must i've gotta let the whole world know wat i'm thinking!! i am sacarstic, ugly, stupid. yes, i dun deny tat. but weren't u the one who befriended me in the 1st place?? where was ur eyes & "intelligent" senses when u approached me? i really dun think i was any different at that time! u r just making a fool of urself. i have got nothing to lose. anyway, i would rather be labelled a "loner" than to be associated with an inhumane being like u! gosh! u just give me the creeps... i've got issues. so does each and everyone of us. we can't be sharing everything to everyone. it's the same with love, friendship & etc. u may love someone to such great depths, but u can't expect or be sure that the person would love u to the same extent. it's sheer luck. it's gotta be it. if not, i wouldn't be sitting here voicing my unhapiness to an object that would never converse!! sigh... i really dunno if i should change myself. i mean, if i'm expected to change for the better, wat do u want me to change? my looks department can't be helped. but i know i've been pretty outspoken lately. if u guyz prefer the shankar who was soo quiet & silent, i have no qualms changing back. in fact, i may have more peace if i shut myself from this harsh & unforgiving world.. not forgetting to mention the "wonderful" beings who strive to make their presence felt. i haven't been happy for a long time. even if i was, it was shortlived. i'm alwayz confused & worrying abt stuff. just hope i wouldn't have to call IMH(institute of mental health) my home anytime soon! would there ever be a day when my post is a happy one? one that is free from unhappiness & anger???

hey ppl... how r u guyz? had a great weekend actually. met up wif wan yee & hidayah @ city hall. we went to suntec city to see some exhibitions. well, of course we did shopping. me being myself, had 2 pairs of sandals to bring home!! hahaz! it's just great to own many pairs of footwear. can't understand why some ppl just hate shopping for shoes... on sun, had maths lesson as usual. went to auncle's place in the evening. it was supposedly a gathering. yeah, those pot-luck kind cos the hosts are too stingy & lazy to prepare food!! if tat's the case, why do u even bother hosting one?? anyway, the food was ok because it was cooked by dif ppl. was speaking to lavan. rarely do u get the chance to speak to ur cousins... seenu(my 4-year-old cousin) noticed my eyes & asked me, "wat muz i do so my eyes will also be purple?". all of us in the room were laughing. he was just soo cute & asked the question soo innocently. i told him that all he should do was just look at things which were purple! hehe! the smart boy knew i was just teasing him though. all of us left together around 9.30pm... had a nice time.
well, was thinking abt my friends...(as usual) we make friends to keep them, in a hope tat they will be there for u when their care & concern is needed. but in my case, everything seems to be terribly wrong. my best fren is always busy wif stuff, & rarely calls me/answers my call. even an sms from him can be considered prized! divan does send emails so often that i can't complain... on the other hand, my other friends just seem to disappear into oblivion! u would hear from them for 2 days, and after tat, they would have forgotten me. of course, i'm not trying to say i'm someone who has to be remembered. the thing is, i'm trying to console myself by saying i made wrong choices. u see, it's easy to blame everyone else. i dun wanna be like tat. i'm always telling myself tat i should exercise caution when befriending new ppl so as to prevent future heartbreaks, but i never seem to be able to do so. it's hard not to trust someone who seems nice on the 1st introduction. well, how am i supposed to know the posers from the gud-natured souls? guess i will never change, so i'll just have to make do with "friends" who are passing clouds... sigh...

a fool i am...

hey.. hope u guyz r fine. we had prayers @ home yesterday & most of our relatives were present. happy to see my cousins & all. well, wat else shall i say? i chatted wif pin. well, it's the 1st time he chatted wif me for so long. well, glad to noe he trusts me.
i'm not feeling happy. i'm confused as usual... if u tell someone tat u will ignore him, & he also seems to be contented with it, wat would be ur opinion be abt him?? i mean, to me, it just means u have been putting on a fake front all the while & pretending to be nice. ur "care & concern" was just part of ur acting skills. but i admit i'm impressed by ur acting talents, because i actually believed & trusted u... but, i didn't expect u to be capable of such heartless deeds. it just didn't occur to me tat u were like tat. i just can't accept the fact because ur words were soo beautifully phrased... u just feigned everything perfectly. wat a fool i have been....

A Walk To Remember...

hey guyz... it's soo gud to be able to be speaking again! i mean, for those of u who didn't know, i had a bad sore throat & lost my voice on tue!! i was literally whispering... god knows what was the liquids i gulped down to cure my throat... imagine being plagued by a severe headache & sore throat. aargh!! anyway, i really will remember this day. shahrul & i walked from hougang point to compassvale drive. it took us almost an hour an a half. wat made it memorable was, we started the walk @ 2.00 am!! hahaz! well, we chatted abt many things along the way... really enjoyed his company. shahrul really is a nice guy. i actually got to know him much better after the walk...
someone actually told me that i have a very arrogant face that puts ppl off... so i told the soul who had a ''humble face'', tat i could do nothing abt it. well, the ass then said that i was arrogant too.. hehe! i was in glee, for i was in a perfect mood for an argument. i feel that arrogance is just an obvious display of confidence. i have said many times before, i wasn't born with gud looks or intelligence, & god made up for it with lots(& i mean lots) of arrogance! how the arguement ended isn't important. the thing tat matters is, i won... an arrogant ass i may be, but i am compassionate. anyway, no one needs to understand me.. as long as i know & be true to myself, i'm contented.
i was just thinking, would i be very arrogant if i was handsome & intelligent?? hehe! take care ppl...